rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
