Where did you get a picture of my penis
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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