Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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