I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
