Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
