That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
