I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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