I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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