Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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