I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
