Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
