He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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