Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
