ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
