Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
