If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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