Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
