Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
