just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize