A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
