I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
