you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
