Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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