Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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