Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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