who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
