Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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