I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
