I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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