Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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