I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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