Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I need to sanitize my soul.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
