All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
