I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
