I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just forgot I was standing up.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
