I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
