Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
