We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
