I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The best revenge is premature balding
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
