...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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