somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
