I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it was like eating out sand paper
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
