I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
