hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Naked. naked and bneed help.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
