i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
