i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
