New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
