No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
