Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
