I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
