last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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