I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize