I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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