The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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