she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
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