Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
