I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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