dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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