It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize