We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
