Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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