omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
