I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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