Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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