i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize