he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
