Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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