I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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