smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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