He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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