the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
